What a year.
It started out on an emotional overload. Go figure. Me…emotional. My ex-husband and I weren’t getting along and well…he was jamming his finger on every button there is with me. The main one being our daughter.
A friend from the past came back into my life only to start on a very dramatic and somewhat unexpected shift in his life. Another friend (or at least I thought at the time) became jealous of him turning to me with his problems and decided he needed to turn to her and not me. Let’s just say it was not a pretty triangle.
Another friend and I argued repeatedly about whether or not we could be friends. At the beginning of the 9-month stretch, he accused me of being a jealous girlfriend and in the very same breath worse than his mother. Funny. I don’t remember dating him and I never met his mother. How could I be worse than her? I’m no angel. I accused him of some pretty bad stuff too. It’s still debatable if we’re friends and I have no idea how exactly I provoked such an outburst. He claimed he doesn’t care what I think and yet, I can push his buttons just as well as he pushes mine.
I ended up in the rumor mill. Repeatedly. Over the same crap with the same people. Once I found out there were rumors, I corrected them. Maybe I should rephrase that. I corrected the ones that dealt with me. The others I agreed with and declined to comment. Then, when I thought they were over. Surprise, surprise. Another one came to light with the same people and I again was in the rumor mill. This time, though, I was apologized to.
My flirting got me in trouble. Again. Me and another friend of mine openly flirted with one another and the next thing I knew his wife was emailing me telling me to pray for her children. Talk about being stunned into silence. I didn’t respond to her. If it’s one thing I learned from the disillusionment of my marriage, it’s that she wouldn’t have believed me anyway and it would have made things a lot worse. She thought she was where I once had been. No words could have changed her thoughts. Not from me.
Of course, I wonder if she knows one of the things I find most endearing about her husband (and there are many) is how much he loves her. Maybe someday she’ll know. Maybe someday, she’ll realize I’m just an average woman who is a bit on the crazy side and I really meant her or her family no harm. While we were equally stupid in flirting, I would never willingly come between them. It’s just not in me to put someone where I once was. But…that’s not for today and that’s not coming from me.
I turned my ex-husband in for child support delinquency. The State is still tracking him and according to them, he’s not caught up. He tries to hide small details about his employment from me. Still trying to ascertain whether or not he truly believes I’m an idiot.
There was an ending of a friendship. A very public on Facebook ending of a friendship (although not my page) that proved just how high-schoolish my reality had become. My drama quotient went down when the friendship ended. Significantly. A hidden blessing.
My alien-abducted sister (I’m the only one who really believes she was abducted) tried to stalk my ex-husband in the attempt to get closer to my daughter. I’m waiting for the logic of her actions to become apparent. I doubt they will.
The ending to a event-filled year, my ex-husband forgetting that the next day…New Year’s Day…was his holiday and him making other plans. What made it even worse? It was our daughter who reminded him on New Year’s Eve that it was his holiday.
That was really the catalyst for realizing what a year I had and just how much I had grown. We (Emma and I) were having what we thought was going to be an early dinner with my family. Then, back home before the partying started. He had called while we were at the restaurant and wanted to speak to Emma. Emma reminded him and they spoke for another minute or two. Then, he wanted to speak to me again.
He had forgotten the next day was his holiday and he made other plans. He wanted me to believe he was going to work. Of course, he’s still trying to keep it from me that he started his own business. He asked if he could see Emma for a few hours over the weekend to make-up for the missed holiday. I agreed to make other arrangements for another day and we got off the phone.
When I got off the phone, my aunt asked if he had forgotten his holiday again. I said yes and the subject was dropped. In an odd way, I wasn’t surprised he had forgotten, but I was relieved he didn’t blame me for him forgetting this time. The last few times he had forgotten, an argument where he blamed me for not reminding him of his time with our daughter embarked. I guess the last time where I explained (fine…I screamed) that we were divorced and I was no longer responsible for keeping his calendar finally sunk through.
Later that evening, I realized what 2009 was about. It was about me. About what I wanted. About what I needed. For a change, it was about realizing I deserved to be put first. At least occasionally.
For years I’ve been told I’m acting self-righteous. Or towns have named streets after me (one-way). And for years, I tried to over-compensate by putting everyone before myself. Yet, this was the year I started belly dancing. Why? Because it sounded fun. This was also the year I got a tattoo. Why? Because I wanted one. For once, I put what I wanted over what I needed.
I had been told my standards and expectations were too high. I was deemed high maintenance. Yet…the only one who I held to those standards (and still hold) was myself. Everyone else I expected very little from. I began to realize what the arguments with my “ex’s” were really about. While I wasn’t holding them to my expectations, I was holding them to whom they claimed they were. And the arguments…was just the realization that I no longer believed their fantasies. And they realized it too. Hence, the arguing.
So, I’d like to say to the people who are still in my life…thank you. Thank you for being there. For keeping me up mentally. For handing me the pieces of my life and expecting me to put myself together.
To the people no longer in my life…thank you. Thank you for the lessons either one of us or both of us learned. For being what I needed at the time. And for leaving even if it wasn’t under the best of circumstances.
To the people who feel like they’re holding on by a thread…you are. I’m still waiting for you to decide: are you the person you claimed to be that I know you can be? Or are you the person I see before me whom you try to hide because you don’t want to be seen? Either or…it’s up to you.
To the people who intend to be in my life…buckle up and hang on. The ride will be bumpy, filled with twists and turns, but well worth the road rash, the contusions, and the whip-lash.
Life isn’t about getting what you think you want. It’s about wanting what you eventually get and appreciating the dance that took you there. Life has a way of making the dance impromptu. Enjoy the little bumps. Once you look closely at the details, you’ll realize that’s what mattered during the dance. May you have someone who knows your details and is willing to share your moments as theirs.
Good-bye, 2009. You taught me well!
Hello, 2010! Where should we begin?
